Friday Dispatch: I Say Yes to Things

Always a work in progress

Friday greetings,

This week, I said yes to something that thrust me into an existential quandary. After a few days of asking, “Who am I to do this?” I used the 40-minute drive from Longmeadow to Amherst to think out loud in the car. (I now have 47 texts from myself to work my way through this weekend!). I’m hoping this will allow me to find my voice and remember that the person who asked me to do this thing knew who they were asking. In other words, what if I stop second-guessing my yes and instead show up as myself?

I also said no to something this week. My spirit (and likely my ego, loathe as I am to admit it) wanted to say yes. The plain-as-day reality was that my calendar told me otherwise. The ensuing conversation involved a lot of unnecessary explaining, sharing, and apologizing on my part.

And then yesterday, I didn’t know whether to burst out laughing or into tears when I received an incredibly kind and thoughtful email requesting my help with a project. Just the day before, I’d been joking to M.J. that I could write a book called I Say Yes to Things, with a nod to Rebecca Solnit’s fantastic title, Men Explain Things to Me.

All of this got me thinking about why yes is my default and the nature of no.

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In a classic case of “my strengths are also my weaknesses,” I’m contemplating the shadow side of being a “helper” type who deeply values connection and contribution. This, of course, is a big part of what makes me who I am, and I love that I am a person who people turn to. It’s at the heart of my being and my work.

The sticky part, of course, is that this genuine part of me can tip into imbalance when my yes is tinged with fear or avoidance of disappointing people, or, worse, an outlandish belief that I’m the only one who can do the thing. Sheesh, these things are uncomfortable to explore. But I’m going to keep going by thinking out loud here, because that’s why this newsletter is called “Dispatches from Daily Life” and not “Dispatches from Lalaland.”

Being sought out may make me feel special, important, valued, and connected. Mmmm, I love those feelings. (Does anyone not love those feelings?!) I love living in a way that may make others feel these things, and I love feeling them myself.

Lovely, right? Nothing wrong with any of that.

EXCEPT.

You knew the “except” was coming, didn’t you?

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Being special, important, valued, and connected is not contingent on saying yes to things.

Yet this is an easy trap to fall into, reinforced internally by ego (oooooh, people like me, people need me, people seek me out, I must be talented, special, important, etc.) and externally by societal norms (ooooh, you are so busy, you must be talented, special, important, etc.).

Yikes.

There are times in life when this all becomes acutely pronounced. Last fall was one of those times for me; the combination of physical illness, emotional and spiritual grief, and creative and mental exhaustion left me with little choice but to pare way back and step away from some things. More is not always more. Sometimes more is depleting, scattered, diffuse, and ultimately, a slow leak that will leave you with nothing to give anyone, including yourself.

The rub is that it’s often not so obvious. And what do we do then? How do we discern and choose what to say yes to, what to say no to with humility and grace, what to commit to, and what is too much?

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Sometimes, I’m all: Look Ma, I’m getting this balance thing down! I’m in a groove!

Other times (sometimes even on the same day), my experience is more this: Oh Lord, it’s 4:00am and my mind is pinging between what feels like 1,000 unrelated things I need to do/address/plan/manage/complete/create/follow up on/insert verb here (implied: BECAUSE I SAID YES TO THEM).

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This is the part of the newsletter where I would reveal the formula if I had one, or maybe a nice “Top Five” list you would forget about in five minutes. Ha. You know me better than that.

Nevertheless, I am going to tell myself – and you, by extension if you find any of this helpful (oh, the irony) to hear – a few jewels I’ve collected over time:

- The world keeps spinning when you say no.

- Your people will still love, respect, and value you if you say no (if they’re really you’re people).

- Saying no allows you to be more present to the people and things you say yes to.

- And maybe the biggest one: Life doesn’t always give us a choice. At the end of the day, this might be the most important thing to remember. (And if you forget, life will no doubt remind you.)

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Maybe your “yes” today will be quiet – time to journal or make art or stare at the sky for a while.

Maybe your “no” today will be tinged with disappointment because you are so passionate and don’t want to miss any opportunities.

Maybe FOMO will dissipate as you immerse yourself in the tasks at hand.

Maybe how you are spending your time is just right and maybe it needs calibrating and maybe even thinking about any of this is a luxury you just don’t have right now because of the nature of your obligations.

Any or all of these might be true.

You are one person. Invaluable and innately worthy. Not a disappointment and not a superhero.

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And finally, it occurs to me that “yes” and “no” are only two possibilities. There are others, e.g. “I need some time to think about this,” and “I have some questions before I make a decision.”

Striving for balance is one of those absurd life paradoxes.

Perhaps the best we can do is declare our yeses and nos with as much honesty, self-awareness, and realism as possible, knowing it will probably not be perfect.

Perfect shmerfect. It’s all practice.

Shabbat Shalom and love,

Jena

p.s. In case you missed it last week, there is now ONE SPOT REMAINING in the 2024-25 Ebb & Flow writing group, which meets on Tuesdays beginning September 10. Here’s more info and feel free to get in touch with any questions!

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