Friday Dispatch: When Dialogue Isn't Really Dialogue

A story about boundaries in 11 parts.

Friday greetings,

This week, I blocked someone. This is not my usual m.o.

I believe in the necessity of exposing ourselves to beliefs and perspectives that challenge our views, assumptions, and biases, and that (ideally) expand our sightline, increase our knowledge, and deepen our empathy.

I am not a fan of being siloed. I am, however, a fan of dialogue that is true dialogue, so when I experience over time that someone is asking me pointed questions but not listening to responses I spent time and energy considering and crafting, I grow wary.

I also recognized something that I needed to address: I was giving other people the benefit of the doubt while denying myself that same grace.

What follows is long, so if this is not a topic that interests you, you might want to call it a day. For those of you who do choose to read on, I’ve broken it into 11 parts:

1. Not adding another “hot take.”

2. The need for nuance.

3. My Facebook post, Wednesday morning 11/29.

4. A clip from an Oakland City Council meeting on Monday 11/27.

5. My response to a comment on that post.

6. A reel (video) from Eitan Chitayat.

7. A note on boundaries.

8. Something to read from

   Elad Nehorai
   .

9. Something to listen to from

   Ezra Klein
   .

10. Recommended organizations.

11. My “why” for writing.

Shabbat Shalom and love,

Jena

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Part 1

Not adding another “hot take.”

I am not Israeli and I am not Palestinian. I am not living these realities. This is the case for the majority of people I’m personally interacting with online.

While I am a Jewish writer with growing concerns, we do not need more “hot takes.” Nor am I even remotely an expert about this region.

What these truths have to do with each other challenges, humbles, and confuses me, such that I constantly ask myself: Who am I to write about this at all and who am I to silence myself?

Part 2

The need for nuance.

I believe Israel has a right to exist. I also believe Palestinians have a right to sovereignty. Both peoples deserve safety and peace.

The current government in Israel has set things back so horrendously and my support and solidarity are with Israelis – Jewish and Arab – who have been fighting to reclaim the country from right-wing zealots. (Sound familiar?)

Stopping the cycles of violence requires Palestinian leadership that recognizes Israel (rather than wanting to destroy it, i.e. Hamas) AND Israeli leadership that is interested in a peaceful and equitable existence. Without these, cycles of violence will continue and more people will die and suffer.

And I am alarmed at how many progressive people on the left in this country are justifying Hamas as a pro-liberation organization and not connecting the dots in a more nuanced, complex way.

That is the primary focus of what follows.

Part 3

My Facebook post, Wednesday morning 11/29.

Some of the public comments at the Oakland City Council meeting on Monday night terrify me.

It is possible to oppose the occupation, to be devastated by the staggering and rising death toll and humanitarian disaster in Gaza, to denounce the right-wing racist leaders in Israel, and to call for a ceasefire without being an apologist for and defender of Hamas and without suggesting/believing that the atrocities of October 7 were exaggerated or deserved.

Thousands and thousands of Israeli citizens who have been fighting for *so many of the same things* as those of us in the U.S. for decades deserve our solidarity and support, as do those who are suffering unfathomable loss and trauma.

Compassion is compassion is compassion.

I am gravely concerned that more people aren’t recognizing how dangerous and counterproductive this is. Or if they are, they’re not saying anything about it.

Part 4

The video I was referring to in my post.

matthewnouriel

A post shared by @matthewnouriel

Note: click on the video to watch it.

Part 5

My response to a comment on that post.

How about "mass murders and kidnapping" not having an "AND" after them at all? Full stop. That is one of the places where I see compassion lacking, and I have to be honest – your questions don't come across as genuinely curious as much as interrogative.

I have some questions, too. Are you aware of what Hamas fighters did to women and children on October 7? Have you watched, read, or listened to testimonies of the gang rapes that took place, the brutality? Have you read the Hamas charter?

To ask what it is about these comments that diminishes the trauma of October 7 leaves me speechless. Maybe you could ask some Israelis whose families were murdered and see what they say, or those whose loved ones are still being held hostage, or some of the millions of Jews in the diaspora who have deep personal ties to people in Israel. None of this means the civilian deaths in Gaza are acceptable or that I trust the current Israeli government. But to not hold Hamas responsible for inciting this round of violence, and then to imply that the horrors they unleashed have been embellished, is nothing short of victim blaming, quite the opposite of compassion and really harmful, not just to me.

For those who see Hamas as a legitimate pro-liberation organization, I ask: What will said liberation look like?

Hamas is dangerous to anyone who does not wish to live under militant Islamic rule. Hamas has exactly zero interest in forging a peaceful coexistence with Israel as a Jewish state. I suppose that those who believe such a state should not exist may not view this as dangerous or counterproductive to peace.

This doesn't just *feel" terrifying to me. This is not just about my personal feelings. This is about facts. Hamas has made its aims incredibly crystal clear, as has the Netanyahu government. BOTH are terrifying to me. It's exactly for this reason that I wish more people were united against both with a shared commitment to finding a way for these two peoples to live in peace on this long-disputed land.

If we are talking about a desire for human rights, how about we extend that to the human rights of Jews to live without being slaughtered?

Also, what exactly do you see happening to the approximately seven million Jews who live in Israel when Hamas "liberates" Gaza?

What do you see happening for Palestinian women under Hamas rule? How is Hamas liberating women? How is Hamas liberating queer people? How is Hamas educating children to be world citizens? How has Hamas cared for Gazans – before October 7?

When I say it is counterproductive, I mean counterproductive to any path out of this nightmare that gives Palestinians *and* Jews in the region a chance to live in peace. Hamas does not want peace. Hamas wants destruction. And the fact that there are those – Arab-Americans, Jewish-Americans, and people around the world – naming them to be a pro-liberation organization is so beyond the pale that I can't even quite find words to respond.

This belief is incompatible and incongruous with any genuine shred of compassion for Israelis, Jews, or the future of all the people who live within Israel's borders. Nor do I believe Hamas cares about Palestinian lives (or deaths) or they would return all of the hostages.

You suggested yesterday that my "takes" have "lacked the occupied and refugee Palestinian perspective." I don't disagree that my writing is coming from my perspective as a Jewish American who is distraught by the endless cycles of violence in Israel/Palestine. That is the voice I can own.

On that note, you say "a lot of Jewish voices." I have to wonder if you are holding up those who are involved in Jewish Voices for Peace as the only Jewish voices that are acceptable to your views.

I hold space for Jews to respond to this war in the ways that make sense for them as Jews, even if I do not agree or resonate with some of their platform. Respectful disagreement and question-asking are integral to Jewish thought and practice.

And, the reality is also that there are far more Jews, in the U.S. and abroad, who do not align with anti-Zionism, who believe that Israel does have a right to exist and who recognize that Israel is deeply imperfect and in need of healing – healing that cannot and will not happen if Hamas continues to be emboldened. I have to wonder if you are availing yourself to any of these voices, or only the ones that adhere to your stance, one that I fear is leading you and others to overlook the threat Hamas poses to us all.

I flat-out oppose any pro-Hamas sentiment, no matter where or whom it’s coming from. Hamas should be one thing we can all agree on. The fact that we are even having this exchange is baffling and disconcerting.

Bottom line:

Hamas = militant Islamic rule. No better than Ultra-Orthodox Jews running Israel. Neither will lead to peace. Supremacy is supremacy.

We need to be supporting the many, many Israelis and Palestinians who want a different way for BOTH peoples. I am trying to speak out against extremism across the board.

Unless it is not peace you are after, but the destruction of Israel as a Jewish state. In which case maybe it would be better if you just came out and said that.

Part 6

Believe all women.

eitanchitayat_words

A post shared by @eitanchitayat_words

Note: click on the video to watch it.

Part 7

A note on boundaries.

My aim, always, is to be honest.

I write from the heart and bring a great deal of mindfulness and intention to what I share and how I engage across platforms.

I deeply value community, reciprocity, and respect, and am willing to engage in a wide range of conversations (including uncomfortable ones).

That being said: If you believe that Hamas is a legitimate, liberation/resistance organization, you are not my friend and I will not hold space on my page for such beliefs. I am not someone who blocks people liberally or often, but that is a hard stop for me.

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Part 8

Something to read.

The Other Way to End Antisemitism and Extremism

Part 9

Something to listen to.

The Ezra Klein Show, 11/17/23: The Sermons I Needed to Hear Right Now: A Tender Conversation with Rabbi Sharon Brous About Jewishness and the Jewish State

Part 10

Recommended organizations.

• Parents Circle Families Forum

• One Voice Movement

• Healing Across the Divides

• Combatants for Peace

• Standing Together

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Part 11

My “why” for writing about this.

I’ve been asking myself and sitting with two questions.

• Who am I writing TO?

• Who am I writing FOR?

Here is what I’ve come up with.

I am writing to thoughtful, compassionate people who care deeply about the world, other humans, and the spiraling violence we are collectively witnessing. You care about progressive causes in the U.S. and are looking for voices that insist on holding complexity, no matter how unpopular that may be.

I am writing on behalf of my fellow Jews who are grieving the atrocities of October 7, recognize and are alarmed by the rise of antisemitism in the U.S. and abroad, perhaps have a complicated relationship to Israel or even your Jewishness, especially in this moment, are losing sleep over the death, destruction, and humanitarian crisis in Gaza, aren’t sure where you belong or are welcome, and are generally feeling isolated, alone, overwhelmed, and perhaps even alienated by those who seem to be certain about what is right and what is wrong – but also like you don’t necessarily have a lot of people or places where you can express and make space for these things, many of which seem inherently contradictory. (Yes, that was a run-on sentence.)